Sometimes I have trouble picking titles for my blog posts. This one could also be called: How I Tortured My Brother With My Horse, in 9 easy steps
I’m the youngest of five. The brother next up in age from me is 9 years older. He’s a lieutenant colonel in the Marine Corps who used to ride hunter jumpers back when I was learning how to write my own name. He hasn’t spent much time on a horse in several years. Like two decades. He flew out for a visit a while ago and said he wanted to go for a ride. I just happened to be taking care of a pony built like a tank at the time, so I figured I could ride the pony and he could ride my gelding, Gangster. Yes, you should be feeling a sense of foreboding from his name.
What follows is my step-by-step guide on how to have an inexperienced rider “enjoy” your jiggy horse.
Step One: Work high strung horse every day leading up to the actual ride. The day before, overcommit yourself and decide turn out will have to stand in for actual cardiovascular exercise for the horse.
Step Two: Trade out the bit that communicates “We’re working, get your head in the game,” for the one that says “Meh, go that direction.” Put laid-back bit on backwards. Cuss. Feel like a complete idiot who couldn’t possibly know anything about horses. Unscrew Chicago screws and bit on correctly. Randomly call out “Who put this damn thing on wrong?” as someone walks by.
Step Three: Lunge Sassy McSpook-Face before the actual ride. Have a heart to heart with him about being a good equine citizen and a kindly representative of horses in general. Ignore his eye rolls. They mean nothing.
Step Four: Have brother sign extensive release. With a third-party witness.
Step Five: Get brother in saddle. Walk next to Drama Queen Gelding and brother. Repeatedly tell brother to lower reins. Thank your lucky stars you switched out bits or the horse would have backed all the way to the next state by now.
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Step Six: Once brother is good and relaxed and feeling comfortable, take him out in the back 80 acres.
Step Seven: Approach ditch/thistle-rustling-in-breeze/hawk-in-tree/literally nothing at all and watch in horror as your horse twirls around and tests out how easily he might bounce his newbie rider out of a slick-seated saddle.
Step Eight: Spend rest of ride reassuring brother that your horse is not afraid of the ditch/thistle/hawk and that he seems fine now, licking his lips and sighing.
Step Nine: Buy brother a drink to lower his blood pressure after ride.
Do you have stories of trying to share your passion ponies with friends or family and having them be a little too exuberant for the ride? Gangster is a good horse, and has given pony rides to many a youngin, but he likes to add a little too much flare to the adult rides.