[March 26th I lost my brother Tom. My sister-in-law lost her husband. My nieces lost their father. My mother lost one of her three sons.

I hate euphemisms for death, but I can’t find a better way to say it. In his death, we lost his laugh, his smile, his rapid-fire barbs and sharp wit. We lost it all. I have been silent on the blog because I could not grieve publicly. I could not be vulnerable in that way. I debated even posting the below. But 2020 has taken a lot of people, and caused a lot of pain. So if you might find a little comfort in knowing part of my journey, then that is a gift I am willing to share.]

We’ve been learning to live in this world without you in it for half a year. Seems impossible.

It hasn’t been easy, but I can breathe again. There were days where my chest felt so tight, I thought for sure I would drown in perfectly fine air. That somehow my own body would betray science and I wouldn’t keep living. But the sun kept rising. And people kept checking on me. They sent candy and cards and texts of funny memes. They stopped by the barn and cleaned my stall with only minutes notice because I couldn’t drag my body from the couch to the car and hold a pick. They were all right there, rising underneath me, floating me up so that I didn’t drown.

And then one day, I laughed. It vibrated around my body and I remembered what joy felt like. Of course I felt guilty as hell. How could I feel lightness when you were still gone and my nieces were still without a father and my mom without a son? But I kept getting up, and I kept laughing. And the guilt ebbed away. Because there’s no way in hell you would have been precious about laughing.

I put miles in my tennis shoes and hiking boots. Showed my horse. Wrote something creepy in your honor. And started floating other people. Because each day I needed a little less floating myself.

I never would have wanted to learn the lessons your death taught me. But here I am. Learning, dragged and unwilling, and trying to be better. Energy cannot be created or destroyed. I am taking the energy of your life and trying to keep it going in positive directions. I miss you like hell. But I can’t live in misery. I choose to try to find the positive, to move my body, to offer my love and kindness.

My biggest regret is not knowing if you knew, just how much I loved you.

I will try not to make the same mistake twice.